opening and closing doors.

I won't say a whole lot about the reasons why I left Florida.
The urgency to leave was motioned by the sickness of my father.
My own emotional urgencies also influenced my leave.
My drinking was probably reaching an unhealthy level in Tallahassee.
Everything was feeling out of my hands & I couldn't stand it.
Working and drinking, and dicking around.
And maybe finding some time to sleep afterwards.
I miss my florida friends. I didn't even realize how much I would miss them
until I was visiting for the Fest.

I did quite a lot of drinking but was able to keep my memory the whole weekend.
I even realized that I love my friend Eddy to death. I never knew how much of a good fucking dude he is in my life.
I woke up on Saturday morning in Austin's room and realized I had lost a fucking contact lens. I called Eddy, and I wasn't surprised to hear that he hadn't even gone to sleep.
I'm half blind, and we're riding bikes meeting up somewhere between Austin's house and wherever the hell he was.
I'm whining about how I can't see shit, and I need some glasses. After about an hour of riding our bikes to all our friend's houses, trying to locate my glasses, I felt them at the bottom of my backpack.
I slapped my face and apologized to Eddy. He says he needs a cigarette & throws his bike on the sidewalk. I can tell he's kind of frustrated, but I can also tell it's hard for him to bed mat at me, because he was smoking his cigarette and smiling.
Anyway, I tried to salvage the morning and I showed him a swimming pool nearby and we hung out and drank a quart of miller high life.
There were a lot more special moments like that during the weekend. Like when I sat in the back of my grandpa's pick up truck with Jheanell and Dorys and people would come and drink beer with us.
Or when I realized everyone surrounding me at certain times, was from Miami.

On the drive back to South Carolina, it finally hit me that I didn't live in Florida anymore. It hit me that all my friends were miles and miles away. Miami was even farther away than it was in Tallahassee, and Tallahassee was actually a place that I missed.


South Carolina was bittersweet. It felt amazing having conversations with my mom over coffee. Talking to her about heartache. It was great getting to really know my 4 year old nieces, and witnessing their hilarity.
My brother and I stayed up late talking about heartache too. He was feeling it for the first time & it was mostly just reminding me that I still had some of that pain in my stomach too.
My dad has cancer. SC was mainly, hospitals, doctors, surgery talk, and overall shitty feelings.
I had originally written a lot of detail about being at the hospital, but I decided to delete it.
It's the internet, ya know.

Which brings me here. This really huge cold fucking city.
I'm living in Chicago for maybe a short amount of time with one of my best friends.
I'm already used to the weather & really love riding the city trains.
I got to see the fella i'm in love with last week. We kissed and I listened to him snore, and I remembered that he's real and that missing him all the time makes me feel human.
I have a job interview at a really rad coffee place sometime this week, and I hope I get it.
All in all, i'm happy. Happy and kind of unsure of everything in my life right now.
Which is probably why i'm blogging?
I guess I just typed out the past couple months of my life in a blog, because I'm piecing a lot of details together at the moment.
And these all seemed like pretty important details.